Summer Newsletter 2024
In case you missed it- here it is, the story of you and your frenemie/neighbor Debbie, from this summer’s newsletter. Be sure you subscribe before next summer- not only do you get fun and light summer recipes (not included below, subscribers only!), you also get a harrowing gossipy scary story to keep you on your toes! Enjoy, and don’t forget to order a kit this week!
JUNE 2024, PART ONE:
We did it. We made it to short shorts, high electricity bills, and pictures of celebrities in Italy flooding our Instagram feed.
This year’s newsletter is focused on keeping it easy breezy. We’re talking open a jar of pickles, crack open a beer, spread some butter on a cracker. Some snacks and lunches will technically count as “cooking,” because even if you mix two things together, you are creating in the kitchen! Sure, you’re a little day drunk from the pool, but that doesn’t mean you can’t still prepare a (technically) edible dinner for your sober and ashamed friends and family!
You’ll feel emboldened by the effort of taking out a cutting board. You’ll feel empowered by the whiskey shot you secretly took before telling the girls to put themselves to bed. You’ll look out your kitchen window and think, “Why don’t I have a little fun?” You mash the letters as you drunk text your neighbor Debbie- “Deb! You hvea got 2 come ovr, I made snacks!” You finish with too many emojis. Thank god your husband left you six months ago, no need for witnesses.
She arrives less than five minutes later, a desperation to her energy as she enters your home. You’ve never really connected, and you try to ignore the hope in her eyes as she walks into your kitchen. The beers help mask any guilt, so you crack open a third(teenth).
She takes a bite of the pimento cheese you laid out- “Did you make this?” Before you can stop yourself, you announce that this is your great-meemaw’s recipe, and it took you all morning to make. Watch her confidence crumble, tasting the impossible blend of spices and cheese. Bask in her envious praise, knowing that even through her pill-haze, she feels less-than. She’ll think twice before trusting you again.
You laugh as you walk her to the door. She starts to suggest plans for the next day. You pretend not to hear as you slam the door in her face.
JUNE 2024, PART TWO:
You’ve now committed to allowing your teenaged daughters to have voice lessons, which is fine! It’s summer- a time to experiment, a time to wear white shorts, a time to learn every word to that one song from the 80s that no one likes (you know the one).
You finally arrive at home from a long day of camp pick ups and drop offs, peel you and your daughters off of your car’s leather seats, emerging like steamed drag queens. Debbie runs outside the second she hears your door shut, because she can’t wait to show you her new dresses for vacation to Bora Bora in a few days. She asks if you wouldn’t mind watering her plants, since she’ll be gone for three weeks. You let your daughters go inside so you can talk…no need for a witness.
After the front door closes, you turn to tell Debbie that you’ll water her plants- for three hundred dollars. Debbie is insulted- how could you ask for payment? “We are neighbors, after all!” Your eyes narrow. Debbie huffs, but ultimately agrees to the deal. You revel in her fear.
For those hot summer evenings when all you want to do is bask in a win while using your face steamer, a bowl of olives hits the spot. Salty, good for you, and delicious, treat yourself to a sophisticated TV snack that you don’t have to work for.
JULY 2024, PART ONE:
July is peak summer. You’ve got maximum heat, Fourth of July, vacations. If it weren’t for those pesky mosquitos, I’d give it a 10 out of 10!
Debbie returned from Bora Bora a few days ago, without Steve. You see, they went scuba diving on their last day- Steve is big on scuba- but when the diving team came up for air, they were missing Debbie’s husband. A search and rescue team was launched, but everyone came up empty handed.
The French authorities suspect foul play, but Debbie was allowed to return to the states, as long as she remains home in case they need to notify her.
She stops by to see if you have any idea what happened to her fiddle leaf. “No, I took care to follow your exact directions,” you reply, absentmindedly scrolling through Instagram. Debbie looks haggard, exhausted from crying herself to sleep every night.
“Can I ask you, did Steve ever say anything suspicious to you? Mention any enemies, anything?” she asks desperately.
“Huh? Oh, no, you know- Steve and I were never really that close. Later!” You close the door behind you, a sly smile creeping its way onto your well-bronzed face.
JULY 2024, PART TWO:
It’s at this point in the summer that we forget how it feels to be cold. What are fireplaces? Socks and blankets seem like distant memories. That’s okay! We’re in it for the long haul, right?
Your cell blares at 2:15 am, waking you up. “Hello?” you answer. At first, static, then-
“Hey.”
“Steve!” you whisper, bolting upright. “Are you-”
“Can’t talk long, babe. Just wanted to let you know I’m at our safe house, but you gotta hurry.”
You look over at the suitcase you packed for you and the girls.
“I’ll be there day after tomorrow.”
Click. You stare at the phone. Something in the window catches your attention out of the corner of your eye- is there a light on over at Debbie’s? No matter. You and Steve will be together at last, and she’ll never be the wiser.
You roll over and go back to sleep, soundly snoring until morning.
AUGUST 2024, PART ONE:
You pull into the driveway, glancing back at your sleeping daughters. You turn the headlights off. Steve comes out the front door. Does he seem okay to you?
You get out of the car quietly, as to let the girls sleep. You grin, running towards your man. “God, I’ve missed you-”
“Why don’t you come inside?” Debbie reveals herself from behind the front door, gun pointed directly at Steve. You look at him- betrayal!- but he shakes his head.
“She was here before me, babe. Knows everything.”
“But how did you-” you start to ask.
“Best come inside, so the girls don’t see their mom get killed,” Debbie threatens.
You stop and think. You make a bold decision. You turn and run.
You can hear Debbie struggling behind you, as Steve has made a grab for the gun. She shoots into the night air, hitting the edge of the house. You reach the car door, slamming it shut behind you and waking your teen daughters.
“Huh? What’s going on?” one of them asks, rubbing her eyes.
“Keep your head down,” you say curtly, starting the car and peeling down the gravel driveway.
You glance back at the house- Steve is on the ground, Debbie standing over him. She drops the gun. You blink away tears, as you shift into drive, hitting the highway that leads to the airport. The man you love is dead. Best to keep it moving.
AUGUST 2024, PART TWO:
You’ve found a lovely pace for your new lives. The girls tend to the garden outside your humble Maldives abode, you read and draw when you’re not working at the bar down the road. Changing identities wasn’t so hard- after all, you’ve done it before. For the girls, however, this has taken some getting used to. The cute boys in the area have helped soften the blow for them, but you find yourself longing for something more.
One morning while the girls are still sleeping, you hear a knock at the door.
“Coming!” you yell, making your way off the sofa and flinging open your heavy wooden door.
“Hello, mother.” Your eldest daughter is standing there, gun in hand.
“What are you doing? ” you reply, confused. “I thought you were asleep?”
“Did you?” She pulls off her face to reveal- Debbie??
“Debbie?!” Stumbling backward, you turn towards your daughters’ bedrooms when-
Your younger daughter comes out of her room. Smiling, she pulls off her mask, revealing herself to be Don, your ex husband.
“Don!” You can feel reality crumbling.
“Hello. Debbie and I have been onto you and Steve for years. No need to run, it’ll all be over soon.”
But you do run. Out the door, into the road, you run and run until you reach the nearest town. Debbie and Don may have found you this time, but you won’t go that easily. After all, it is Summer.